So today I had one of those days where everything feels just right, like all of the self doubt and over analyzing decided to take the day off. I don't think I can explain it without sounding corny, but all of a sudden I felt like I was where I was supposed to be and doing what I was supposed to be doing. These moments, which used to pretty infrequent, seem to pop up fairly often now. I think it caught me by surprise - that the time I've been the happiest lately is when I am in the midst of some important life decisions. My life is in a state of flux, a weird funk where I'm not sure what's going to happen next. I think part of me expected to feel blue right now, or confused/scared/stressed/all of the above. But for whatever reason this is working for me. I'm not assuming that I won't feel these things any time soon, because knowing me I probably will, but for now I am calm and confident, even in the face of these big decisions.
So even though today was "one of those days," it wasn't actually very eventful. I didn't even take any pictures! I spent the morning lounging around Shelby's dorm room, organizing my stuff, responding to a couple of emails, watching a couple shows. I then headed out and walked to Terri, the restaurant in the flatiron district that Sophia and I grabbed takeout from on Friday. I just couldn't resist! Even though I had just been working on my finances, the "chicken" Caesar wrap called out to me! I managed to grab a seat in the cafe and I spent my lunch listening to some music and reading. Heavenly.
I should mention that I started "The Perks of Being a Wallflower" last night. I saw it on Shelby's shelf and picked it up, remembering that I wanted to read the book before I saw the movie. I feel like this is one of those books that everyone read when they were in middle school except for me. It's relatively short and I powered through it, finishing it just minutes ago. I wasn't sure if I liked it in the beginning. It's written as a series of letters, the narrator's voice/personality is a bit jarring at first, and I wondered if it would have been better if I actually read it in middle school like everyone else. I'm glad I stuck it out though. I'm going to be thinking about it for a while, I know that. And for whatever reason it's really resonated with me and the position I find myself in now.
After lunch I headed down to the LES, where I shamefully stepped into Babycakes for a treat. I tried the vanilla frosted donut and a spelt red velvet cupcake. Loved the donut, just like I loved the chocolate frosted pumpkin donut Sophia and I got last week, but the cupcake left something to be desired. And I don't think it was the spelt flour that did it. The frosting was weird and had the texture of straight up Earth Balance. Not to brag but I'd much rather eat one of my vegan cupcakes any day.
But I sat outside Babycakes and read for a while more, stopping every once in a while to people watch and take everything in. It was drizzly at this point, but still very warm and comfortable.
I then began to walk back to the dorm, walking through SoHo and other streets I haven't been down to yet during this trip. The rain started falling more quickly, but I was perfectly content. Like I was somehow meant to be here, in New York, in the rain. It sounds ridiculous but I couldn't help but smile.
Back in the dorm I met up with Shelby, who had been at her internship all day, and Vic and Anna, who came over from their apartment. As a nod to our days as freshmen, we decided to eat at Chipotle for dinner. We've all changed a lot in the past three years, don't get me wrong, but it felt just like it used to. We took on our familiar roles and talked and laughed all throughout dinner.
After burritos, Shelby, Vic, and I headed back to Shelby's dorm and just hung out for a while, cracking jokes and reminding Vic of what she said last night in her drunken glee. Hilarious.
Tomorrow I'm off to Philadelphia. It's been such a great week here in New York. It was just what I needed to start this trip, and a perfect reminder of what I'm working towards.
One of the quotes from "Perks" really struck a chord with my current situation: the narrator is describing a scene in "The Fountainhead" in which one man is accusing another of being cold hearted. The other man says that if the boat were to sink and there was only room in the lifeboat for one person, he would gladly give up his life for his best friend.
Then the narrator of "Perks" quotes the supposed cold hearted man in "The Fountainhead:"
" 'I would die for you. But I won't live for you.' Something like that. I think the idea is that every person has to live for his or her own life and then make the choice to share it with other people" ("Perks," 169).
Goodnight, other people.
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